It’s all the same thing anyway.

It’s all the same thing anyway.

(Source: sydneyandrews)

A Big Fucking, Blowing-up, Scarey, Honest Rant (Ogidy-Boogidy!)

"Well she’s sorta together and sorta not."
“I don’t even know who these people are.”
~Random things I’m hearing eaves-dropping on a conversation at Pergolesi while writing this.

Reading a lot of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying lately.

Repetition is the law of the universe. Hormones follow it, seasons follow it, behaviors follow it and karma follows it. Karma is not to be confused with the idea of “getting what you deserve,” it’s so much more than that overly-simplified-conveniently-westernized viewpoint. I’m so sick of this culture twisting everything around it to fit its agenda, including other cultures.
Karma literally means “action.” It’s really the evidence of what catalysts for change we are, how we enact our will on the world intentionally and non-intentionally (unconsciously) and how that affects change by causing a reaction from whatever we’re doing. You don’t think of your thoughts as having any profound effect but think about when you have a thought. It may not be very tangible but it definitely has a “feel” to it, it definitely has a flavor which is hard to describe but just as powerful (or more so) than any other brain altering substance. That thought is going to affect your actions, and though I sometimes doubt the belief in free will, I’ll say it does exist for the sake of this post. Karma isn’t solely about someone getting what’s coming to them, or fate, (though that is a part of it) but that part is just the result of a long line of intertwining events. There’s no need to feel guilty, vengeful or redeemed, things just are and happen to people and it doesn’t have anything to do with you and it doesn’t have meaning, so stop being so fucking self-absorbed (Now watch what follows, lol.)

Anyway, I’ve been borderline fed-up with the build up in my life since I’ve moved here. It’s like Santa Cruz took the blinders off and I’m forced to watch the movie of my life in HD while acting to the script of Ground Hog’s day without really realizing it. I mean really? Again? Repeating again? Okay, okay, truth, I knew it was. I just thought with all the crap I was getting myself involved in, cycles would be interrupted and it would knock the parts of me I don’t like out through enough distraction. Can’t cheat my way out of this one though, that’s just covering things up. Like the law of Karma states, once you begin to repeat something, that repetition builds enough momentum to be a stable pattern and it’s as hard as hell to interrupt it. Just when you think you can skirt-tail past it, it comes up in ugly reminders. You can’t run from your past, you need to always be able to turn around and face it, sit with it. I keep coming back to meditation, as difficult as that’s been these days..

I’m changing my appearance so much lately because I’m trying to dilute my sense of self, my past and step out of the familiar of who “me” “I” is. It’s a celebration of the Buddhist belief in no-self because yes, when you get down to it, there is no stable, tangible self and I believe understanding and welcoming that is where the freedom I’m looking for is. I don’t hate myself, but I understand that there’s something in me that isn’t working for me. Making my sense of self more flexible is an advantage because I’d be so much more productive and useful if I wasn’t constantly propping up an identity all the time. Like pop psychology and new age mysticism is always telling us, be in the now, be aware, be pure action. We cling to who we believe we are but in doing that we also cling to our neuroses, because that’s all invested in it too. You have to take the whole package when you decide to claim some of your past as your past.

So, why am I writing this? I don’t know, why not be open for a little bit? It’s refreshing, and I just stopped caring. What have I got to lose? I feel everyone lies too much about themselves, covers things up, so I’ll just lay all my cards out on the table here for a moment: Hi, I have ugly parts, I have a lot of compassion, I’m passionate, I love smiling wide, I love laughing, I appreciate little things, I really love people, even the “lowly” ones and the ones I don’t know, I have a lot of inspiration and creativity, but know that I am also insecure, caustic, neurotic, angry, impatient, awkward, boring at times, selfish, nonchalant, distracted, vacant, depressed and a host of other things I may not be aware of.
I am also none of these things, I’m not even Kaitlin, I might be more like Jean or Erica or Andy or my grandmother or my mother or all of the people who’ve had an impact on my life combined. Have you ever noticed yourself starting to talk like someone else? What is really “me?” How do I know all the reactions and behaviors I have didn’t just float in through my senses and immerse themselves in my brain subconsciously? How do we know we aren’t just mirrors reflecting each other at each other?

I’m writing this because, fuck it, I want to. If I didn’t write it out, it would come out some other way (law of Karma/energy) so I’ll just put it here and let it sit.

I just, hope I’m not repeating something without realizing it.

Japan’s Government and the NRC are now submitting conflicting reports.


The NRC says there is no water cooling the spent fuel in one of the reactors. Japan is conflicting that report, because it probably means a big, fat meltdown and panic would be more deadly than this might already be.

Chernobyl, meet Fukushima?

Really trying to stay calm about all of this and accept it as “yeah, things are going to be a lot different from now on,” and do the whole move-on-with-daily-life-gig.

The sad thing is, and I almost hate to be saying it, but I feel like something like this needed to happen.. I know of pessimistic types who honestly wanted something to go to hell because they’re sick of watching the mismanagement of resources and corruption running rampant; that’s the feeling, the feeling that natural forces have to give us a wake up call before we finally decide to pull our heads out of our asses.

Maybe they were right,
I’m not saying this is the first instance of minor transparency for our government and others, (just look at what happened with Hillary and Ray Mcgovern a couple weeks back) but it’s getting progressively more difficult to have faith in these constructs that were supposedly put in place to improve the quality of life for the human race.
I’ve been saying this for a long time and I don’t think it comes as any surprise to anyone, but we can’t keep doing things the way we’ve been doing them. Doing that, something eventually happens to upset that system. 

The Unexamined Life

“We were tricked
into fearing the ways we will leave this planet.”
-Buddy Wakefield, “Jean Heath

In Apology, Socrates is arrested and brought to trial on the charges that he “speculates about the heavens”…”investigates things that are beneath the earth and”…”can make the worst argument appear the stronger.”(p. 35). The price he pays for these grievances (or liberty he is granted depending on how you look at it) is to choose death or choose to follow a mandate stating he would dispense in all the philosophical examination he’s been doing. As one can imagine, Socrates chooses death as a more promising option than the confinement of an unexamined life. As his last message, Socrates attempts to convince his fellow Athenians that they too, should examine each other and themselves in the way he has been doing in order to live a life worthy of living. Socrates doesn’t fear his sentence as he’s lived a life well examined and has long made his peace with the mystery of death through his contemplation of it.

Socrates points out that the biggest mistake most people make is fearing death on page 35, “ to fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise without really being wise, for it is to think that we know what we do not know.” Indeed, death could very well be the best thing that ever happens to a person, which makes it silly that one might waste so much time trying to avoid it. There are obvious ways to avoid death: not eating harmful foods, avoiding jumping in front of speeding vehicles, not attempting to fly off buildings and even simply being obedient. Socrates could have lived had he discontinued his habit of living the examined life, but since he’s overcame his fear of death, he no longer feels the need to compromise himself for the comfort and expectations of others.
The fear of death exists on a spectrum, one end of which exists as fear itself. When one fears something, such as getting in front of a large group of people and speaking, one fears a death due to a feeling of failure to control the situation and the potential reactions which may follow that failure. The experience becomes a neurotic clinging to the current version of self in compromise of a potential, newborn version. In this way, the fear of death leads directly to death. One harbors basic assumptions about their experience which begin to set up and directly affect future experience.

Living an examined life goes against the habit of harboring assumptions however; each facet of life must be looked at carefully, which is the reason Socrates frequents the market in search of the wisest of men who can help him examine it. Socrates claims that, “…no greater good can happen to a man than to discuss human excellence every day and the other matters about which you have heard me arguing and examining myself and others, and that an unexamined life is not worth living” (p. 45) and indeed, the unexamined life is not worth living as it is clinging to the sameness maintained with a fear of death. Examining one’s life cancels out the fear of death because one cannot be afraid of dying and investigate every aspect of their reality at the same time. If one were to do this, they would eventually end up investigating their fear and come to the realization that it’s illogical since they know nothing about death.

In living the examined life, Socrates invites us to wonder what we would do if we did not fear death and how much we are limiting ourselves in not examining the world around us. As Socrates shows through investigating the proposed “wise men” he encounters, he opens up room for more questioning by asking questions and running into perpetual re-evaluations of the reality he knows. In repeated questioning, assimilation and examination, one forgets the fear of death which is what often holds one back in curiosity and they gain immortality in continuing their contemplation. Death sneaks up on the avid philosopher as any other experience does and should be treated simply as another experience.


untalentedpoet said: ‎"You know I always thought unicorns were fabulous creatures too, although I never saw one alive before."

"Well, now that we have met," said the unicorn, "If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."

idk how to comment your thing. this is what i thought about when i read your last blog

An excellent response, and for he record, I believe you exist. :)

Solipsism: It’s all in my head.

”In this very one-fathom-long body, along with its perceptions and thoughts, do I proclaim the world, the origin of the world, the cessation of the world, and the path leading to the cessation of the world” ~The Buddha Rohitassa Sutta

Let us treat the men and women well: treat them as if they were real: perhaps they are.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I remember being around 4 or 5 years old, sitting on top of the vaulting horse in the front of our barn, marveling to myself that I could realistically be the only real person on this planet and everyone else may actually be robots. It sounds kind of egotistical, I’ll admit but give me a break, I was a four year old and it was kindergarten version of philosophy. I remember returning to that thought many times though, it seems it’s never really left me. 

Solipsism is the belief that only one’s own mind is known to exist, can be known to exist. Objective knowledge is impossible to prove because it’s all a phenomena of the senses. Our senses perceive everything we know and not even at the most optimum level. The mind is the central point which integrates and assesses these inputs and that’s really all anyone has.

To take it a step further, you know that God proposed in monotheistic religions who’s supposed to be watching you all the time? In my view, that’s very much much the conscience and sense of self intensified to the extent that it’s projected onto the outer world.

Also, let me put another perspective on that: Who’s to say we don’t project ourselves into reality in other ways? Onto other people? How do you really know anyone or can be sure you know anyone? If you can’t truly know anyone, are we attracted to those we assume are like us because we want to know ourselves?

A little food for thought.