A Big Fucking, Blowing-up, Scarey, Honest Rant (Ogidy-Boogidy!)
“Well she’s sorta together and sorta not.”
“I don’t even know who these people are.”
~Random things I’m hearing eaves-dropping on a conversation at Pergolesi while writing this.
Reading a lot of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying lately.
Repetition is the law of the universe. Hormones follow it, seasons follow it, behaviors follow it and karma follows it. Karma is not to be confused with the idea of “getting what you deserve,” it’s so much more than that overly-simplified-conveniently-westernized viewpoint. I’m so sick of this culture twisting everything around it to fit its agenda, including other cultures.
Karma literally means “action.” It’s really the evidence of what catalysts for change we are, how we enact our will on the world intentionally and non-intentionally (unconsciously) and how that affects change by causing a reaction from whatever we’re doing. You don’t think of your thoughts as having any profound effect but think about when you have a thought. It may not be very tangible but it definitely has a “feel” to it, it definitely has a flavor which is hard to describe but just as powerful (or more so) than any other brain altering substance. That thought is going to affect your actions, and though I sometimes doubt the belief in free will, I’ll say it does exist for the sake of this post. Karma isn’t solely about someone getting what’s coming to them, or fate, (though that is a part of it) but that part is just the result of a long line of intertwining events. There’s no need to feel guilty, vengeful or redeemed, things just are and happen to people and it doesn’t have anything to do with you and it doesn’t have meaning, so stop being so fucking self-absorbed (Now watch what follows, lol.)
Anyway, I’ve been borderline fed-up with the build up in my life since I’ve moved here. It’s like Santa Cruz took the blinders off and I’m forced to watch the movie of my life in HD while acting to the script of Ground Hog’s day without really realizing it. I mean really? Again? Repeating again? Okay, okay, truth, I knew it was. I just thought with all the crap I was getting myself involved in, cycles would be interrupted and it would knock the parts of me I don’t like out through enough distraction. Can’t cheat my way out of this one though, that’s just covering things up. Like the law of Karma states, once you begin to repeat something, that repetition builds enough momentum to be a stable pattern and it’s as hard as hell to interrupt it. Just when you think you can skirt-tail past it, it comes up in ugly reminders. You can’t run from your past, you need to always be able to turn around and face it, sit with it. I keep coming back to meditation, as difficult as that’s been these days..
I’m changing my appearance so much lately because I’m trying to dilute my sense of self, my past and step out of the familiar of who “me” “I” is. It’s a celebration of the Buddhist belief in no-self because yes, when you get down to it, there is no stable, tangible self and I believe understanding and welcoming that is where the freedom I’m looking for is. I don’t hate myself, but I understand that there’s something in me that isn’t working for me. Making my sense of self more flexible is an advantage because I’d be so much more productive and useful if I wasn’t constantly propping up an identity all the time. Like pop psychology and new age mysticism is always telling us, be in the now, be aware, be pure action. We cling to who we believe we are but in doing that we also cling to our neuroses, because that’s all invested in it too. You have to take the whole package when you decide to claim some of your past as your past.
So, why am I writing this? I don’t know, why not be open for a little bit? It’s refreshing, and I just stopped caring. What have I got to lose? I feel everyone lies too much about themselves, covers things up, so I’ll just lay all my cards out on the table here for a moment: Hi, I have ugly parts, I have a lot of compassion, I’m passionate, I love smiling wide, I love laughing, I appreciate little things, I really love people, even the “lowly” ones and the ones I don’t know, I have a lot of inspiration and creativity, but know that I am also insecure, caustic, neurotic, angry, impatient, awkward, boring at times, selfish, nonchalant, distracted, vacant, depressed and a host of other things I may not be aware of.
I am also none of these things, I’m not even Kaitlin, I might be more like Jean or Erica or Andy or my grandmother or my mother or all of the people who’ve had an impact on my life combined. Have you ever noticed yourself starting to talk like someone else? What is really “me?” How do I know all the reactions and behaviors I have didn’t just float in through my senses and immerse themselves in my brain subconsciously? How do we know we aren’t just mirrors reflecting each other at each other?
I’m writing this because, fuck it, I want to. If I didn’t write it out, it would come out some other way (law of Karma/energy) so I’ll just put it here and let it sit.
I just, hope I’m not repeating something without realizing it.
